Our Situation
I want to describe our situation a bit... My husband is at a job he hates, we've moved somewhere we both hate for this job, we have no family or friends here and this is why were are both stressed.
After work he is tired, he sits at the computer all night, taking a short 30 min. break for dimmer. When he does this he says he is not ignoring me. Anyways I am looking at ways to break up the monotony and we do things together on the w-e. But still we are not in a happy place.
Last night at the video store, I said "I wanna watch a movie with some sex in it, since I'm not getting any." He blew up and marched out of the place. It's true we're not having sex, I go to bed at midnight and he at 2 am, almost every night. All other times he says he's not in the mood. He acted this way last summer when he was really depressed. Last summer he actually said "Please Don't!" whenever I tried to "come-on" to him. I don't know what to do? How long am I supposed to deal with this. 6 months? 1 year?
After work he is tired, he sits at the computer all night, taking a short 30 min. break for dimmer. When he does this he says he is not ignoring me. Anyways I am looking at ways to break up the monotony and we do things together on the w-e. But still we are not in a happy place.
Last night at the video store, I said "I wanna watch a movie with some sex in it, since I'm not getting any." He blew up and marched out of the place. It's true we're not having sex, I go to bed at midnight and he at 2 am, almost every night. All other times he says he's not in the mood. He acted this way last summer when he was really depressed. Last summer he actually said "Please Don't!" whenever I tried to "come-on" to him. I don't know what to do? How long am I supposed to deal with this. 6 months? 1 year?
posted by The Missus Complains at 8:23 AM
7 Comments:
What a horrid place to be. I can't help you with your sex life, but maybe if you just walk around naked he will get the hint.
Chin up, nothing lasts for ever:)
thanks for your support, we both walk around naked regualty and it does nothing for him. i will keep my chin up as much as i can. this little blog has brought me more support than my chats with my husband. I have told no one of our troubles and don't want to worry my family so you guys are helping me tons. Thanks a million.
That is tough. My boyfriend has a tendency to "pull away" physically also (for a variety of other reasons we won't even get into). But a) he has a good reason, and b) whenever I tell him that I'm feeling unwanted, unloved, our intimacy is waning, etc. he is very supportive and we get things back in the swing. Physical intimacy is a HUGELY important aspect of any romantic relationship, and your husband should listen to your concerns, and he should ask himself what's wrong with his libido!
My advice, though: my boyfriend gets really irritated when I make passive aggressive comments about how I don't get any (which isn't even really true). You want results, you should probably be more constructive in talking to him about it. But it's NOT normal not to have sex. And even if you're not having sex, for whatever reason, there are other ways of achieving intimacy without intercourse. And that is probably a lot what you're really craving. . .and the sex, too, of course :-) Hubby needs to understand that too. Not wanting/being able to be intimate, physically, doesn't mean you can't be intimate in other ways.
Good luck.
I'm in agreement w/Jax Peach...
It's just not normal for you guys not to be having sex. ESPECIALLY being married less than a year!!! Holy Moly - from reading your previous posts, I thought you had been married FOREVER like me. LOL!
You guys are still suppose to be honeymooners, for crying out loud. I know there's an ajustment period for newlyweds moving in together ('course I don't know alot about y'all's history), but lack of sex or intimacy is definitely not one that happens within the 1st year. Sounds like you 2 really need to have a heart-to-heart.
Dropping little hints or making snide comments won't cut it. Give it to him straight up & listen to HIM, too. Perhaps both of you should re-evaluate this job & this place where you now live... doesn't sound like it's making either one of you very happy & is a definite strain on the marriage.
It might be worthwhile to ask him if there's anything you can do that he'll like to spice things up. You might be surprised at what he'll say.
Missus, I feel like A & I have had similar issues. He's also ina job that is less than ideal, and I think especially for men, unhappiness in their careers affects EVERYTHING. They are supposed to be the providers (in their minds at least), and so when they feel uncertain about their career, their ability to provide, their future ability to provide, often times they become very introspective. Maybe depressed. Maybe just very selfish as they are consumed by their own unhappiness, frustration, etc.
A has been like that lately. Extremely selfish because he's so wrapped up in his own unhappiness and frustration that he simply stopped seeing my needs. And as you know from my posts, it took numerous conversations to get through to him. So I say just keep talking. Not every day. And not in passive ways. But from time to time, when you sense that he is in a mood to hear you, tell him you're worried about him. Express your feelings in terms of worry for him. You see that he isn't happy. You want to help him find a way to be happy. You wish you could help him brainstorm alternatives because you see that the situation is turning him into someone he isn't - antisocial, unhappy, etc.
THEN mention that its affecting you too. Tell him that you're trying to be supportive (and make sure you can back that up with a few days of truly supportive, selfless behavior on your part), point out the things you've been trying to do, and then tell him that the two of you need to work together to find a solution, that this is no way to start your marriage.
He may resist the conversation. Or maybe not act on it, but just keep trying to talk to him until he gets it. If he's anything like A, he'll stubbornly refuse to see your point for a bit before finally realizing there's validity to what you're saying. And maybe when he does something that is particularly selfish, stop him and point it out. Get mad. Let him know right then how hurtful the behavior is. Acknowledge that you understand the reasons, his stressors, but that damnit, you deserve better and he needs to find a way to start moving forward.
I feel for you. I really really do. It's not a fun situation to be in, BUT its times like these that make your relationship stronger and teach you how to communicate, how to lean on each other. You WILL get through this, and you'll be better for having dealt with it. Really.
12 yrs of marriage here, girl - I'm here to lend an ear, too, if you need it.
littlebit7[at]gmail[dot]com
Or, maybe we can chat sometime, if you have the MSN thingy.
My ID there is littlebit_hmphf[at]hotmail[dot]com
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