Absence Makes the Heart . . . .

My husband has been gone for almost a week. I miss him and think about him all the time but when he is not around I do for myself. I eat simply, clean up after myself, read, watch movies, chat online with friends and family etc.... you know what I mean. I am okay. I know he is not here, I don't expect anything. I just miss him.

When he is around, I love it and hate it at the same time. When he's here I want him to spend time with me. Quality time not all his time (I know the difference). I want him to look at me when I talk to him, push back against me and squeeze back when I hug him, hold my hand, kiss me on the cheek but lately none of this has been happening. When he is here and ignores me, it upsets and infuriates me. I expect things then get hurt when I am let down. I can't win can I?

Un-Emotional

This week the hubby is gone on business. I have written him a note a day, so far it's day 4. Half of them are heavy and sad, half of them are short and sweet. The heavy ones are mainly about how I feel right now, how I wish we melded better and how I am missing my family, how I hope he understands that I am not myself right now. The other night he said he was not sure how to get me out of this phase and asked me why I seemed to want to destroy myself and our relationship. I have no answers, I don't know why.....All I know is that I am a bit depressed.

In the past I have written him short notes, sweet ones. Sometimes he does not comment on them or he reads them and casts them aside. I'm not sure what they mean to him. I am one of the only people I know that has, not only now, but since I was a child taken the time and the caring to handwrite notes/letters/thank-you cards to friends and family. He often does not acknowledge them. I have to ask if he received my note, what did he think etc....Why is getting him to open up like pulling teeth? Are all men like this? I swear he was not this bad when we were dating. When he comes home this weekend, I hope he takes the time to read them. I hope he sees that I realize my faults and deficiencies and want him to let me know how I can be a better partner to him. Maybe he will offer a bit of the same.

The Honeymoon is Over

I often wonder how long one should wait and how much one should bear before just throwing in the towel and saying "I'm not happy" or "This relationship is no longer satisfying." I feel very close nowadays. Although I love this man, this is not my dream relationship.

Would This Bother You?

Last night after a late night out, the hubby goes up to the apartment as I park the car. I am without house keys. By the time I end up at the front door, it's 3 am. I knock and have to call him on his cell phone a few times before he opens up. I can hear him in his office on the computer.

After he goes to bed, I go over to see when he was so busy working on that he could not open the door right away for me. I see a short note to his ex about how old her baby is.

The next morning he tells me since is going on a business trip to City XYZ, he is going to buy a gift for a male friends' baby and wanted to get his exes baby a gift too. He said he was gonna mail it to her. Yeah right! He has not contacted his ex is 2 years, they are not friends, she is a psycho bitch who crashed his car, cheated on him, let her druggie brother into their apt. (in which he stole a few things), so needless to day they have not kept in touch.

I questioned him and he said he thought it might be a nice idea, I thought it was inappropriate. It hurt me to think he was thinking about her baby and maybe her too. He thinks I am making a mountain out of a mole hill. He said outright that he did not think he was doing wrong by me in any way? He agreed not to buy the baby anything if it bugged me so much, but he just could not understand why it bugged me at all? What do you think?

Pack Rat

My husband loves to hold on to things. Sentimental things I can understand, you go back to them once in a while and look them over. They are precious in their own way. But what's the use to keeping things you never go back and look at. For example, as I was doing some spring cleaning, I found over 200 pages of e-mail that my husband printed out from his old love. They had a tragic romance, once they broke it off they kept clinging on to one another for 3-4 more years. It's a heart wrenching story, part of me wishes they could have worked out their differences. He even asked her to marry him but she did not answer, after what he did to her, she was a destroyed woman. Part of me want to reach out to her and contact her but I know this would be wrong.

I get glimpses of him life from all the things he's saved. Photos of his first marriage, old notes (not in English), old cards. I learn more about him from my own personal research. He keeps asking me if I can somehow prevent myself from reading everything that I come across, I said emphatically, "NO". When I see these things they make me wonder about the man he was before we met. All I end up with are questions.

"Do you still think "old love #1" is your best fit? Will you always love her, or has our love begun to heal your old wounds?"

"Do you wish "old love #1" would have taken you back then? What about now?"

"Will you do to me what you did to her?"

"Do you love me more than you loved her?"

"Have you changed for good?"

Questions, Insecurities, they come with the territory when you snoop. I know this, I accept this. I know more about my husband from his mother, his friends than from him. When I find a new piece of the puzzle, we talk about it. My knowledge grows and hopefully we grow.

A Way to Bide my Time

After not having a job for quite a while, I finally started working again this week. It's a very part-time job and although it does not pay very much, it will keep me out of the house for a few hours a day. I've not been dealing with being alone all day very well at all. Mostly I am napping, watching movies, eating, surfing the web and doing a whole lot of nothing. I have gained about 5 pounds in 6 months, not a ton, but enough to make me feel really lethargic.

The hubby is pissed at work, after his day is over he sits at the computer for the rest of the night. This pattern is getting on my nerves but I'm not sure how to change it.

I Take that Back

Yesterday I was feeling lovey and I wrote my hubby a note and left it in his underwear drawer. I could not wait for him to find it the next morning but when he came home that afternoon he was grumpy and said a few not-so-nice things. As the night worn on he did not get any better so I went to his underwear drawer took the note out and threw it away.

Unbearable

This weekend while my husband and I were away on a short trip, I was being grumpy and he asked me if I realized how unbearable I had become. I told him I knew to some extent but didn't care and most of the time did not feel well enough to do anything about it. This sort of behavior is so unlike me. Naturally I am a people pleaser, I bend over backwards to help others, be courteous and so forth. Part of him hates when I am difficult but I also think her understands too, he was depressed once.


He came up with a thoughtful plan for the both of us. He has announced that he has made and executive decision. Once a month we will go away on a weekend trip in the hopes of getting some private time for ourselves. I like this idea a lot and told me if I have the energy then it's all systems go. Truly I am going to put my best foot forward and attempt not to sabotage his efforts.

A Better Week?

This week has been a bit better for me. I went out with 2 friends and out to dinner one evening with my husband. At dinner I got to spend time with a male co-worker of my husbands. We sat next to each other and dinner and I was acutely aware of this presence. He was his usual gentlemanly self. I felt a slight attraction, especially when we started eating off each others plates. No one said anything, my husband did not seem to notice much. After dinner we went out for drinks and I was sure not to sit by him again.

Double Standards

We had a nice weekend, relaxing and not too stressful. I finally went on a little run. He did 8 miles and I did 2 for my first time in a year. My legs were sore for the rest of the weekend but as of today the soreness is gone.

About double standards, when I want a hug or kiss and he is busy, he shakes me off and says "not now" or "later". When I am in the middle of cooking dinner or doing the dishes and he comes to give me a hug from behind or a kiss on the back of the neck, and I shake him off, he gets offended. Why can he get offended but when I am disregarded, I have to just understand and wait until he feels like throwing me a bone. Doesn't seem fair to me.

To Try or Not to Try

We had a chat last night after dinner and he was in a good mood. He listened, gave me feedback and in the end we settled nothing, there was no argument. We just talked about his stress level and how I felt I needed a bit more attention. I requested a good hug once a day, a meaningful kiss once a day and a hug either in the morning when I get up or at night when I go to bed. If this "laundry list" seemed to demanding I asked him to let me know. He acknowledged that I seem more fragile these days and he would try his best to give me extra attention.

When someone tries we all know it and when they say they will try but don't, then we know that too. I am hoping he can take the time out to try. I cook when I don't want to, I iron, I take out the garbage, I do the laundry and all the other housework, this man does nada around the house (this was our agreement) and so I hope this is not too much to ask. We'll see.

Do We Mesh?

Do we mesh sexually? It's a question I think many couples ask themselves. I do not wonder if we love each other, that's a given and the answer to that is an emphatic yes.

When I look at him, I love what I see. He is handsome, smells great all the time, he's well groomed, dresses well and generally a good looking man. In bed he is thoughtful and gentle but with the perfect amount of passion and roughness too. Why am I complaining then....Well, he does not talk to me in bed, I ask him to tell me what he likes but he stays silent. Could it be that he still is not comfortable enough with me? I enjoy his kisses, they could be better, he has these sort of still lips and relies on his tongue much more that I am used to. When I think of being seduced, my husbands "techniques" do not come to mind. I have asked him to do this or do that and he responds with some enthusiasm but then he ends up saying "you can't teach an old dog new tricks."

Doctor's Visit

We had a better day today. I had a doctor's appointment and he took me at 10:30 a.m. sharp. He knows how I love to be on time or early. This is a man that takes time off work to come and sit in a waiting room while I go about my business. When I rant about him, I rant but when he deserves it, I rave. Afterwards, we went home has lunch and he went off to work.

To reply to the advice of the sheriff, we are trying for a baby so all drugs are a no-no.

To drew, I am considering exercise but the energy level is pretty low. Also morning and evening bj's are semi normal in our home. Sex life is low, only once in the last two weeks.