Energetically Challenged

No energy... Low energy...The Blah's.....
I wish I could read the paper, go to a movie during the day, watch TV a little....I can't. I don't know the language well enough.

I gave up a large home and garden to live in an apartment, he has always lived in apartments. He likes city life and I don't. I listen to all your advice and appreciate all the suggestions but what it boils down to is that....I am depressed. I don't want to do much of anything. This city is not a welcoming one and the people are not friendly towards strangers, so it is a bit more difficult that I first imagined. I go out on my own once in a while and feel no pleasure, so I just come home again. Part of me feels I just need to sit with this, think on my life, my situation and wait until my negativity passes.

My biggest problem is I feel alone. Last night my goal was to get a kiss from my husband, I got 4 pecks. We went to bed and he was exhausted and pretty much fell asleep. I told him how I was feeling and he said that when I say the same thing everyday, one day it's a kiss and the next a hug....All he hears is he is not good enough. I explained nicely that I mention it (I don't think everyday) because I am missing it and need it so. But to avoid a fight I went into the living room and put on a Disney movie to calm me and then I fell asleep.

He loves me I know. An lately I have been getting more resentful he says and venomous. I say things I shouldn't because I'm hurting and don't know how to get is attention. I don't know who else to tell but him. To his credit he did say he knows I am in pain and if he could take it away he would. I pray for myself, even though I am not a Christian and I pray for all the hurricane victims, one blew away my home when I was a child. I knew the power wind and rain can possess.

Who's Depressed Here?

Last summer was the worst summer of my life. My then boyfriend just quit a 110K a year job for a company he was working for. He had been with said company for over 10 years and he got really depressed. I was only one of a few girls he was dating but in the end, I stuck it out with him the best and so he and I became an item and started seeing each other exclusively. When I first met him, he was a gem of a man, really exciting and he spoiled me rotten. But after a year with no job, he was going downhill fast. Not long after he quit his job, he lost control of his finances and I had to take over. I am still in debt because of this.

It had been getting progressively worse when one day, I noticed I really had to do something. I called a psychiatrist and began begging him to go for a visit and take meds for his depression. He was going for a few weeks then on a weekend trip away, I noticed he was really slipping away and called for an emergency doctors visit. I went with him this time and told the doctor the real story, he was not taking care of himself, not eating, sitting at the computer for hours, dragged dog shit into the house and did not clean it up, bad news really. The doctor asked if he needed to be hospitalized and I said "not yet." We tried all kinds of meds for his symptoms, anti-psychotics for the bad thoughts he was having, lithium, in case he was manic depressive, one to help him sleep and one for the depression. A last resort if all the meds did not work, was the electroshock therapy, we were close... After the first day I went with him to the doctors, he asked me to come from then on, we were a team he said and he needed my input.

Long story short, all the pills did something to him, he says they did nothing, but I disagree. You can't take all those meds and it not have an effect. Anyways I think they jolted his mind and body somehow, slowly he got better. We were married in a "quickie" ceremony at his suggestion and became man and wife. Now that we have moved and he is showing the same signs again I think he may be depressed. We talked about this last night and he has started running again to try to pull himself upright. He's doing well and looks fantastic, he says though it is me who is slipping downward. In my mind I had already stuck this man for worse and I could not wait for the for better part to start, it hasn't yet.

I feel strange, I never thought I could ever become depressed, I'm too positive. He says I am resentful, angry and venomous almost all the time now. It's true I don't leave the house much, it's true I have no one here, and it's true I've been having bad thoughts. Last night he said "I'm used to pain, and I wish I could take your pain away." I felt a bit better, he understands. I do feel a bit sad and like things are hopeless here. We can't move and I am trapped in this place. I can make the best of it I suppose but there is no inclination and no energy.

Our Situation

I want to describe our situation a bit... My husband is at a job he hates, we've moved somewhere we both hate for this job, we have no family or friends here and this is why were are both stressed.

After work he is tired, he sits at the computer all night, taking a short 30 min. break for dimmer. When he does this he says he is not ignoring me. Anyways I am looking at ways to break up the monotony and we do things together on the w-e. But still we are not in a happy place.

Last night at the video store, I said "I wanna watch a movie with some sex in it, since I'm not getting any." He blew up and marched out of the place. It's true we're not having sex, I go to bed at midnight and he at 2 am, almost every night. All other times he says he's not in the mood. He acted this way last summer when he was really depressed. Last summer he actually said "Please Don't!" whenever I tried to "come-on" to him. I don't know what to do? How long am I supposed to deal with this. 6 months? 1 year?

The 4 A's

I was listening to an radio show a while back and they were talking about marriage. What I picked up was there are three good reasons to leave a marriage. Basically 3 A's:

1. Addiction(s)
2. Abuse
3. Affairs

I think there needs to be a 4th A and that is

4. Apathy

If I was not married to you I would ditch you and say to myself "he's just not that into me." But I can't, not yet, you are just too far away from me right now. Even having sex with you is no fun anymore. You lie there, say nothing, do you feel anything for me anymore? It gets harder and harder everyday.

How was dinner alone tonight? You work, I cook, shop, iron, clean. I agreed to all that, I have no problem with it but every night that you choose to let me go to bed alone, you will now eat alone. I don't want to argue but for you to see you are not treating me with respect and with regard. We've talked about it and there has been no change, this is a desperate attempt.

Turn the Chainsaw Off!

It's 4:27 a.m., what the hell am I doing up? So you decided to come to bed at 2:30 a.m., then you claim you can't sleep. There has never been a time in which your head hit the pillow and you were lying vertically, that you could not sleep. Well maybe once. I give you a cuddle, a back rub and soon I can feel you relaxing and breathing deeply. Finally! You deserve some rest, I know that work was not a cup of tea today.

Now I'm wide awake, not because I'm not sleepy but because the decibels that are resonating from your mouth and nose are hurting my ears. Why do men snore? I think I do too, you've said so but not every night and not like a chainsaw, I think like a cute little bird or puppy. Plus I sleep on my stomach.

Remember when we first met and you claimed you did not snore and no other girlfriend, your ex-wife included, had ever complained. Well those women were either saints, deaf in one or both ears or wearing ear plugs. I had to do a sound recording on my digital camera to get you to believe me, after I took a few nude photos of you with your mouth open of course. Anyways, you keep saying to poke and turn you, well I don't like to do that cuz it wakes you up. I'd rather get up a while, let you have the bed to yourself and when I'm drop dead tired, I'll come to bed and place a pillow over your head....Gently.

Cranky

When someone is cranky, in a bad mood, for reasons they can't put their finger on. But it's not an ache or pain, they did not get fired and they did not get in a car wreck, do they have an obligation to themselves and to those in their lives to try to lift the black cloud? Maybe take a bath, see a comedy, go on a run, take a walk, listen to some music... What do you think?

Or do you think that just doing nothing, and forcing your partner to eat alone, possible sleep alone or to just having to deal with not being able to interact with you an okay thing? So your in a bad mood, you have been quite a bit more lately. What am I supposed to do? Just make your dinner, eat in silence and spend time by myself until I'm exhausted and fall into bed? Well?

Imperfections

Today I told a friend I had this blog and did not tell her the address or the title as she didn’t ask. She is married too and much more private than I am. Often she has listened to my rants and provided a good bit of support; but this time she seemed a bit upset. We did not talk about it, I mean she does not know how much I need a place to vent. Most likely she is troubled by the fact that I have so many bad things to say about my husband. He’s not perfect and I’m not either. We do love people for their imperfections don’t we? Here are a list of mine:

1. I get dandruff in the winter.
2. If it’s yellow I let it mellow, if it’s brown it goes down.
3. I talk to much.
4. I like to pull the hair out of my hubby’s ears, he does not like it.
5. I love the dog too much, blowing kisses on his belly, that kind of too much.
6. I add water to the juice, the whole milk and other overly concentrated liquids.
7. Ketchup goes with everything.
8. After I use a hair brush, I do not remove my hair from it.
9. I clean obsessively.
10. Making the bed is a problem for me.

How I Feel Today

It's a bit cloudy and dark today, I have not left the house and have no intention to; oo this is a fitting song. There's not much going on here.

My husband has decided to go on a diet. I think he got tired of me asking him if he was wearing a belt or not. He loves to eat really healthily for about 2 weeks, then binge on crap for a week or so. So my new menus are "carbo free" or "carbo reduced". I don't mind it really. I like to cook but to have a break is good too.

I want to shake him and say "Come on darling, when your 40+ and not a young stud anymore; what did you think 8-10 hours in front of a screen were going to do to your dashing figure. I just hope you stick to it this time."

Into Thin Air

I feel even my constructive complaints to my husband are going in one ear and out the other and simply vanishing into thin air. He looks at me and listens but seems powerless to do anything. I know I am a bit depressed and I fear he is becoming depressed again as well. The new job is not all he expected, the boss sucks, his co-workers aren't worth a grain of salt and so he is miserable.

What do I do when he is stressed and won't come to bed? I am getting sick and tired to going to bed alone. I have told him a nice, long hug or even a "quickie" once in a while would break up the monotony of NOTHING... He hasn't taken me up on it and I haven't been much in the mood to care. All I know is I wish the fucking DSL would quit so he could at least read a bit and exercise him mind instead of just numbing it in front of the laptop.

Eyebrows

I still care how my eyebrows look, does that mean I'm not as suicidal as I think?

Short Term

I threw a fit about 2 weeks ago, a justified one. "Listen" I said to him "Were both stressed and unhappy right now right?" "But caging yourself up away from me is not the solution." This was followed by me throwing something soft into his office for emphasis. We chatted and for the next two weeks, he was a bit more balanced. Now that he two weeks is over, I feel like I live alone again. In two day, I received three 10 second hugs. And no I am not fat...yet.... I think I will turn into every husbands nightmare if he keeps ignoring me though. His changes were only short term.

Complaint #1

My first complaint:

I hate it when I make meals and my husband does not come to the table b/c he is finishing a computer game. I real reason like a work phone call, a true errand, traffic problems, are all fine. A stupid computer game is not okay, it’s selfish and when he does this, I want to throw the whole meal in the garbage. Usually I tell him dinner will be ready in 15, 10 , 5 minutes…NOW! And if he does not come I just start eating and hating him.

I am Anonymous

I did not add any information to my profile because I really want to remain anonymous. This was I can really feel free to say anything and everything, without fear of embarrassing my husband or myself. I keep a small handwritten diary but it’s small and inconvenient which is why I have decided to vent, bitch, moan and complain online. Lately things have been shitty and I have no one else to vent to right now, I have moved to a new town and know no one, so he is my first choice. This has become a problem and so I have to bitch elsewhere. This I hope helps our marriage and takes the pressure off him for a while. He did say that complaints once in a while are okay but all the time and all day are wearing on him and pushing him away. I don't want that. I want to communicate openly with him but understand that all my negative communication is not okay, or helpful in any way whatsoever. I am going to stop bending is ear and start bitching with my fingertips here goes:

Test #1

Let the complaining begin.